Hockey for Dumbasses: Beginner's Guide
Welcome to the dark side.
You are about to understand hockey.
Not all of it.
Nobody understands all of it. Not the fans. Not the players. Occasionally, not even the referees.
But in the next 6 minutes, you will learn enough to follow the game, understand why the whistle blew and avoid asking when the 4th period starts.
That, my new puckhead, is progress.
Hockey looks complicated because everything happens at once.
Ten players chase a tiny black puck. Someone slams into the glass. Three players jump over the boards. The crowd starts yelling. Then the referee blows the whistle because one guy crossed a blue line half a second too early.
Underneath the chaos, hockey is simple.
Put the puck in their net.
Keep it out of yours.
Everything else is details.
Who is on the Ice?
Each team has six players on the ice:
Three forwards
Two defensemen
One goalie
The forwards create offense.
A forward line includes a left wing, center and right wing. The center takes faceoffs and helps more in the defensive zone. The wingers work the sides of the rink, battle for pucks and try to get open near the net.
At least that is the idea.
In beer league, the center may forget to backcheck. The left wing may play the entire shift on the right side. One forward will hover near the far blue line and call it “stretching the defense.”
He is waiting for a breakaway.
Everyone knows it.
No shame in his game.
The defensemen protect their end, break up scoring chances and move the puck up the ice.
When their team attacks, they stay near the blue line and try to keep the puck in the zone.
And rip shots.
Mostly through a pack of players and hitting the first available shin pad.
The goalie stands in front of the net and lets people fire frozen rubber at them.
They signed up for this. Typically because they have a screw loose.
A good goalie needs quick reactions, flexibility and a Ted Lasso goldfish mentality.
That last part matters.
Every goalie eventually allows a muffin from outside the house. We’ll get to that later.
Why Do Players Keep Jumping Over the Boards?
Because they are tired. And it’s the only sport where you can change on the fly.
Forwards take short shifts, usually around 30 to 60 seconds.
Defensemen’s shifts will be more like 2 minutes.
That does not sound long until you try skating full speed while carrying a stick and getting leaned on by someone who weighs 220 pounds.
Players can substitute while play continues. This is called changing on the fly.
No whistle, no problem.
One player skates to the bench. Another jumps over the boards. The game keeps moving.
The timing matters. If the replacement enters too early, the team can be penalized for too many players on the ice.
Don’t change when the other team is on the attack.
Beer-league players avoid this by simply refusing to change.
Every team has one guy who takes a three-minute shift because he believes he is one pass away from scoring.
He is not.
He is exhausted.
How Long Is a Hockey Game?
Hockey has three periods.
In the NHL, each period lasts 20 minutes of stopped time.
Men’s league is typically 12-15 minute periods, sometimes running time.
Running time means the clock keeps moving through most stoppages.
Why?
Because another game starts after yours.
And the rink manager would like to go home.
An NHL game usually takes about two and a half hours.
A beer league game typically has the ice for an hour.
Offside
The blue lines divide the rink into three zones.
Here is all you need to remember:
The puck must enter the offensive zone before the attacking players.
Puck first.
Players second.
Think of the puck as the guy whose name is on the reservation. Nobody gets in before him.
If a player crosses the blue line first, the whistle blows.
There are more details.
You do not need them yet.
Icing
Icing happens when a player shoots the puck from behind the center red line all the way past the other team’s goal line without anyone touching it.
The whistle blows.
The faceoff comes back into the offending team’s defensive zone.
The rule prevents tired teams from launching the puck to the other end every time they feel pressure.
There is one exception.
When one team has a penalty.
When a team is short-handed because of a penalty, they are allowed to shoot the puck all the way down without icing being called.
This kills time and gives everyone a chance to breathe.
Penalties and the Sin Bin
If a player gets a penalty, they are sent to the infamous penalty box. That team has to play with one less player.
Sit two minutes, feel shame, then go free.
Their team plays with one fewer skater. The other team gets a power play.
The short-handed team is on the penalty kill.
Its job is simple: Survive.
Block shots.
Break up passes.
Clear the puck. As I said before, icing rules do not apply while shorthanded.
A minor penalty usually lasts two minutes.
Common examples include:
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Tripping
-
Hooking
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Slashing
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Holding
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Interference
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High-sticking
If the team on the power play scores during a standard minor penalty, the penalty ends.
A major penalty usually lasts five minutes and is given for more serious actions, including certain dangerous plays and fighting.
A major generally does not end when the other team scores.
That player did something much dumber.
Sit longer.
Beer-League Fighting Is Stupid
Professional hockey has a long history of fighting.
It is often described as part of the game’s unwritten code. A player throws a dirty hit. An opponent responds. The idea is accountability.
But beer-league fighting is different.
Nobody is being paid.
Your game starts at 10:40 p.m.
Most players have work in the morning.
You are a regional sales manager wearing number 69.
Go home.
Hockey Slang You Will Actually Hear
Apple: An assist.
Biscuit: The puck.
Bender: A bad hockey player. Short for ankle bender.
Bar Down: A shot that hits the underside of the crossbar and goes in the net.
Bar Mexico: Slang of slang. Because it the puck went straight south.
Celly: A goal celebration.
Cheese: The top corner of the net. Also called top shelf.
Chirp: Hockey trash talk. Good chirps are short and funny. Bad chirps are loud and repeated.
Dangle: A skilled stickhandling move used to beat a defender.
Gino: A goal.
The House: Prime scoring area.
Flow: Hockey hair.
Lettuce: Also hockey hair.
Mitts: Hands. A player with silky mitts has quick, smooth hands.
Muffin: A weak shot that the goalie should stop.
Pipe: The goal post or crossbar.
Plug: A bad player. Like a bender.
Snipe: A precise shot that beats the goalie cleanly. No muffins here.
Sty: Style. How a player wears their gear with certain swagger. The je ne sais quoi.
TJ: Tape job. Tape wrapped around the part of the stick that touches the puck for better grip. Everyone has their own way to do it. Find yours.
Twig: A hockey stick.
Wheel: Skate. Move. Go.
Wheels: Skates.
Five Things Nobody Tells You Before Beer League
Bring a Light and Dark Jersey
Your team may have assigned colors.
The other team may ignore them.
Bring both.
Get There Early
Hockey gear takes time to put on.
Tape your twig. Crack a beer. Play some tunes.
Take Short Shifts
Skate hard.
Get off.
Nobody likes playing with the teammate who stays out too long. It’s a vibe killer.
Bring Two Sticks
Sticks break. Tape jobs get mangled.
They also become “bad sticks” after you miss three passes.
Bring a backup.
Do Not Take Yourself Too Seriously
Beer league is partly about hockey.
It is also about seeing your buds and pretending a late-night recreational sport is a sensible adult hobby.
Be a good teammate.
Pay on time.
Bring beer when it is your turn.
Now You Know Enough
The game will still move fast.
That is the point.
But now the chaos should make more sense.
The puck enters the zone first.
Icing brings the faceoff back.
Penalties put players in the box.
Three goals make a hat trick.
A player with silky mitts has good hands.
A bender does not.
Being The Envy of the League is not only about wearing the best sweater.
It helps to know what the hell is going on inside it.